This week has been quite the week for our country, our citizens and our government. America’s in-fighting has been on full display for the world to see. One could argue that the events of January 6th were a culmination of previous events of critical importance that America either failed to address or chose to pretend did not exist. Incidents in Charlottesville, VA; Kenosha, WI; Washington DC; the 2020 killings of Amaud Arbery, Brianna Taylor, George Floyd and the multi-state protests that followed.
What we witnessed were repeated displays of unrest brought about by anger, frustration, exhaustion from people feeling ignored and/or victimized. There is more focus upon what makes us different rather than a focus upon things that bind us together. The continued result has been the formation of siloed interests and beliefs without indication of compromise or willingness to conversate.
Similar patterns of behavior also manifest in our marriages (though we hope it’s on a much smaller scale than described above). We don’t know of any couple that enjoys fighting in their marriage. But there is such a thing as fighting for your marriage and to do that you must fight fair. While we all strive for peace, harmony and good times in our marriages, the reality is there will be times when disagreements arise, anger sets in and tempers flare. Disagreements don’t feel good and your first instinct will undoubtedly be to move past it as quickly as possible. But in doing so, you may unintentionally opt to ignore the situation. That is the worst option. The better option is to fight but do so in a way that’s fair. Here are a few tactics we suggest:
Communicate – This cannot be overstated. It is critical that you talk with your spouse about whatever issue bothers you. Notice we said, “talk with your spouse”. This requires active listening, not interrupting when your spouse talks. Communication may happen over a matter of minutes, hours or sometimes days but regardless, it has to occur to ensure your feelings are expressed and your perspective is shared.
No Yelling – This can be a huge distraction to your spouse and undermine any point you may try to make during communication. It’s also a quick way to cause your spouse to shut down and disengage from the conversation altogether. If you are too frustrated to have a conversation, that is okay. Give yourself the time needed to calm down and think clear thoughts. The Bible tells us in James 1:19, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” (NLT)
Deal With It – Do not shy away from the issue or disagreement at hand. Otherwise you run the risk of forgetting the root cause. While forgetting a disagreement with your spouse may be your desired outcome, it is not a permanent fix. When the next disagreement arises (and it will), previously unresolved issues tend to surface which magnifies the situation and may potentially escalate the disagreement.
Be Humble – Disagreements are not a sport. It’s not about who’s right or who’s wrong. It’s about finding a way to honor differences, respect opinions and level set expectations. It’s about being open to an alternative point of view and taking the opportunity to express yourself. If an apology is owed, give it. If forgiveness is needed, ask for it. If you made a mistake or took a mis-step which led to the disagreement, own it. The Bible tells us in Colossians 3:12, “Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.” (NLT)
We challenge you to discover ways to fight fair the next time you encounter a disagreement. You will learn it’s much easier and constructive to move through the disagreement. You may also discover growth and strengthening of your relationship.